As I've explained to some of you, much of the weather for the eastern half of the US is generated in an area bounded by Interstate 35 on the east and on the north by an east-west line through Austin. In this area, winds from the Pacific come over Mexico, collide with winds from the Atlantic and Caribbean which are coming toward Mexico, and the resulting mess rolls off to the northeast. There, it collides with whatever is coming down from the Pacific Northwest, churns up storms, and flows to the northeast. The result: severe weather for everything east of I-35 (Waco to Minneapolis).
You folks get tornadoes and rain. We get wind and drought, punctuated by the occasional hurricane or cold front. Annual rainfall in this area is 15 inches at best, and on that day, you'd best stay inside. (Most blows on through without hitting the ground, but it still counts. Why?)
Well, anyway, yesterday there's something bubbling up from Mexico (and therefore off the radar), and there's a cold front coming from Colorado, and I've got a house full of in-laws and grand-kids and a smoker full of ribs that I can't get to heat up. I've got the firebox roaring, the grate wide open and the stack vent wide open, I've emptied out the water pan, and I still can't get smoke temperature above about 170 degrees.
So, I go out and rig a clothesline behind the smoker, and mount a big blue tarp. We anchor the corners with big slabs of patio flagstone that must have blown in from Oklahoma during an earlier "blue norther." We get the tarp stabilized, smoke temperature starts climbing, and I survey the setup. Mother-of-grandson, a film school graduate, suggests that it would make an ideal blue-screen setup, and that we can add in the computerized graphics to make it look like... (I wonder how computerized graphic ribs taste.)
Various beer-fueled suggestions are volunteered. The deck of the Titanic ties with a Star Wars battle aftermath scene (the smoke doesn't have to be edited out, that way). A gust comes up and flagstone gets hurled at the crowd, causing someone to suggest the siege of Jericho. Another flap gets loose, blowing accumulated oak tassels (pollen) and live oak leaves from the tarp, directly into the hot tub spa. (The dang tub acts like a magnet.) A few spits of rain pepper the crowd, driving them out of the spa, inside. (I guess they didn't want to get wet. ...wetter. ...whatever.) They take the beer with them. I am left holding the bag. ...make that tarp. It pulls away. I give up, take the ribs inside, and start the oven. While I'm not looking, the polyester tarp contacts the firebox, melts, and stays.
The ribs are undercooked, but the crowd must be fed. Everything else is ready. We crank the oven higher. We nuke enough ribs to start. It's awful. "...nice, light smokey flavor," someone remarks politely, and the crowd agree. Those hardy souls with good dental work chew away. A large platter of leftovers looms. I wonder if twice-smoked ribs, a variation of Chinese twice-cooked pork, might be possible. ...and I start thinking about all you folks with those fancy, electric-fired smokers out there.