FALL UPDATE: The University of Northern South Texas
Seasonal Commentary
The changing of the seasons is upon us, here at the University of Northern South Texas. This time of year, those live oak trees on campus that are taller than about ten feet (both of them) begin thinking about shedding their leaves, a process which will continue gradually through the winter and on into February, when they actually do begin shedding and replacing leaves, slowly, thoughtfully. The brown grasses turn a lovely shade of slightly browner brown, a sure sign that winter is not far away. Temperatures decline into the fifties at night, and the daytime mid-eighties suggest a hint of harsher weather on the way.
(Was that a rain cloud...? Oh, please!)
Departmental Highlights
Here at the Department of Redundancy Department, we briefly yield the spotlight to the Political Silence, er, Political Science Department briefly. Most of the elections were decided months ago during the primary, but now, Texans once again realize that democracy under a one-point-one party system carries certain sacred obligations, so they go to the polls anyway, just to see what twenty or thirty new amendments to the state constitution have been proposed for the entertainment of the populace. ...and, there being no statewide propositions this year, they quietly vote and go back to drinking beer and complaining that nothing has changed, just like last year. Used to be, back in the early LBJ days, that everyone was a Democrat, and turnouts of over a hundred percent of registered voters could be counted upon. These days, just about everyone has switched to the Republican party, and thanks to redistricting, well... suits are still pending, so we won't go there. ...but people are still just dying to vote.
Wildlife Migration
No, the major decision, this year as in the past, is not politics, but rather, whether to go deer hunting this week or wait until next. The season just started, which means that the area around Our Beloved University sounds much like a war zone. Each year, more and more people buy ten-point-oh-oh-oh-one acre tracts. There, they can shoot as much as they want, any time they want, at probably anything they want. Wild turkey (other than the kind found in bottles) have fled, as have many of the deer. Those left, being smarter than the average hunter, find the nearest fenced yard, jump the fence, and settle in for a long winter of snacking on shrubbery delicacies.
Ring tail cats and raccoons move from yards to attics, not confused at all about the difference between migrating south and moving up. Up is obviously the shorter trip. This is the period that humane pest relocation businesses dream of- - Hav-A-Hart traps baited with peanut butter can be heard clattering shut each night in attics, after midnight, as soon as the critters detect REM sleep downstairs. Next morning, a fleet of trucks disperses across the countryside, collecting the traps, baiting new ones, releasing the poor animals "way out in the country." That night, the animals all take up shelter in new homes on the other side of the lake, where, after midnight... (You guessed it.) They'll be round-bellied and have peanut breath before long, ready for spring. As they say in the media, "No living creatures were harmed during the production of this" scenario. Peanut butter and gasoline consumption, however, should bring a big boost to the economy.
Economy Economics
Speaking of which, joblessness is a problem here, as in much of the country. The large number of applicants to colleges and universities is just one sign of a stumbling economy. Here at The University of Northern South Texas, we try to do our part. The Linguistics Department offers a short course in how to say useful phrases in Japanese ("Would you rike flies with that, Customer-San?"), Arabic ("Extra oil, Your Highness?"), and of course, Chinese("So solly for cold food. Cheap fryer no more work."). Several professors in the Mathematics Department recently were able to prove that their jobs didn't exist, and promptly vanished. Much of the Chemistry Department, engaged in alcohol-based solvent research, woke up with a headache and called in sick. Yes, science is always working for YOU, at The University of Northern South Texas.
...an equal opportunity offender.