Duck Hunting!

[Bubba]

Senhor Quackito?

[el Ducko]

Pssst! Hey, Ostrito? Izzat you?

Don' look now, but that business about duck forces attacking CW's hideout has undergone a stunning reversal. A counterattack by some wacko named Waterbo during the confusion left everyone gasping for air for a bit, surprised that an ancient grudge of some sort had been exhumed and smelled so bad. Consequently, Comandante "El Ducko" rallied his forces in defense of Beloved Moderator Chuckwagon, re-instated him in his palatial townhome, and upgraded the facilities to include an extra smoker out back, just in case he needs to signal the rest of the brigade.

For his part, CW seems buoyed by the ground swell of support, and appears to have calmed down considerably, other than an occasional "Git yer feet off the couch! Where'd you grow up, anyway? ...a swamp?" The feathered minions are learning to adjust, although there are occasional gripes about the lack of outdoor plumbing. (M. R. Ducks, don't fergit.) ...and Mister Arbuckle, he of coffee fame, seems more popular than ever. ...although not nearly as popular as our Man of the Hour, make that Quarter of a Century or more, the one and only... (and the inventor of sausage-flavored coffee) Chuckwagon.

Duk

[el Ducko]

Here at the University of Northern South Texas at Swinney Switch, we have just re-finished Spring Break, a festival characterized by fraternities and sororities drinking massive amounts of malt beverages and scattering broken springs about campus. The festivities date back to the days when the University was young and rather unknown (as well as un-knowing), during which time the Literary Society (mistakenly mis-named the Literal Society) was organized. As for the malted beverage tradition... Well, read on.

In early days, the very idea of The University was not welcomed, particularly by other lobbying groups of the day (such as the Hotel Lobby). It was not until a Washington connection in the form of my elder cousin, Pato Mac, made a fortune in agriculture and endowed the University with his droppings, uh... make that donations, that the grandiose and grand Institution that we all know and love today was formed.

This was during the days of one Billy Sol Estes, who in the 1950`s made a fortune leasing and selling non-existent fertilizer tanks. Pato Mac, in a river of thought, realized that similar money could be made by NOT growing grain. Having a keen liking of rice, wheat, and the like (like all ducks), Pato Mac liked... (Wait a minute! What is this? ...some sort of FaceBook gimmick? I HATE those things.)

Anyway, fast forward a few years, and our friend... (Dang! There we go again, "friending." To "friend" is NOT a verb, dang it. I HATE those things!)

So anyway, soon Mac was not growing cotton, not growing corn, not growing rice, you not-name it, on non-farms that he didn`t own, everywhere. He branched out into non- cattle, non-sheep, angry birds, non-pork, and even imitation Spam. Customers stayed away in droves, physical assets of the operation were underwhelming, but the money rolled in anyway. Come the ethanol boondoggle, uh, boom, ol` Mac was sitting pretty, working the fertile Congressional turf every day with outstretched non-existent hands. (Even body parts had become part of the scam. ...er, operation.)

But soon, the Internal Revenue Service caught on. Pato Mac needed a de-duck-tion muy pronto. So he donated the campus, the library (replete with his favorite books, comic and otherwise)(Hey! Those early editions are worth big bucks!), and Voila! (...or Vye Ola, as the locals say), The University of Northern South Texas at Swinney Switch was formed. A grateful United States Congress, perhaps relieved that none of its members had become indicted in spin-off investigations, even named a mighty nearby river after Pato Mac.

And as for our beloved Institution (some members of which probably SHOULD be institutionalized), it continues even today to produce not-overly-intelligent young men and not-so-bad-looking women as proud graduates in the tradition of our founder.

And now, if someone would please lead us in the Alma Mater...

"Far above Lake Mathis' waters
"With its waves of brown
"Stands ignoble Alma Mater
"Far away from town."
CHORUS:
"Raucus chorus, goad it onward. Loud its crazies yell!
"Fail not thee, our Alma Mater. More, we'll never tell!"

[el Ducko]

dateline Swinney Switch, Texas (5-23-13)
GRADUATION CEREMONIES - UNIVERSITY OF NORTHERN SOUTH TEXAS
This year`s graduation proceeded as planned, despite a threatened strike over a difficult choice of ceremony. Due to cutbacks, this year`s graduates were forced to choose between Sir Edward Elgar`s "Pomp and Circumstance March #1 in D." Many, having received a "D" in required course Music Appreciation 101 and thinking it was a true/false quiz, chose "circumstance." Most professors chose "pomp" because... well, they`re professors, and what else would you expect?

The ceremony, held under leaden skies, led to student-led demonstrations during which lead was fired. Rain, scarce in these parts, broke up the festivities. Participants ran for cover as buckets fell. The bucket prank, which hadn`t been played in years, resulted in no arrests because fingerprints were either washed clean by the rain which followed, or were covered by the residual paint contained in the buckets. The crowd parted, then departed, covered in school colors of mallard green and teal, singing the Alma Mater. Elgar reportedly was spinning in his grave.

SUMMER SESSION ANNOUNCEMENT
Following a two-week recess during which paint will be cleaned up and the campus restored to its usual pristine (some say, bare) condition, summer session will begin. The popular course, "Whitewater Tubing," used by many as a science elective, will begin out on the river. Record enrollment is anticipated. This popular course, which teaches basic concepts in mechanics and dynamics, has been re-written so that energy transfer is studied in terms of "zoom" and "bonk" instead of more esoteric elastic and inelastic collisions. The ever-popular sophomoric humor of the frictionless puck both ensures and insures good attendance during laboratory sessions, especially by the fraternity and sorority crowd and beer vendors.

Demographers have discovered that the recent "can ban" (no bottles, cans, or plastic containers allowed) along the Comal River within New Braunfels city limits has resulted in increased beer sales. Most people get tanked up early, make a quick run, slip back to their car, and tank up again. ...or else go up-river, and frolic as usual. "Their loss is our gain," noted one cashier at a grocery farther upstream near Canyon Lake dam. "Thanks, New Braunfels City Council."

RESEARCH PROPOSALS
In further University business, Rollerdog Research continues at the Department of Redundancy Department, following a recent breakthrough in which it was noticed that the point at which the collagen seam on the "tube meat" splits lengthwise after numerous hours on the rollers at a convenience store is not only inevitable, but also predictable and quantifiable.

This throughput breakthrough came through, once the point at which a rollerdog is considered through ("done") was specified. Typically that point varies considerably among participants. Some prefer the `dogs cooked solid, destroying the emulsion, whereas others require merely that the emulsified meat parts and byproducts be heated to a temperature in excess of 154 deg.F. For this second group, roller temperature often played a key part in the study, as did the quality and quantity of "chili" added.

Participants noted that, because any single rollerdog with chili can be "enjoyed" for up to 24 hours, the $1.20 delicacy costs only five cents per hour, making it one of the most memorable nutritional bargains available today.

RESEARCH GRANTS
In other University news, the BioMetallurgical Diversity Division of the Department of Redundancy Department has received multiple (though miniscule) grant requests for its latest project, cross-breeding goats with the local whitetail deer. Recent experiments have shown that this crossbreed has an aptitude for lurking beside roads in the dark, leaping out to bite an oncoming car, after which it devours the metallic components of the vehicle and the content of its occupants` wallets and purses. The research was first suggested by "Africanized" killer bee observation, as well as the "chupa cabras" (goat-blood-sucking vampire) tradition of northern Mexico.

This study was an obvious fit with the other programs available at the Department of Redundancy Department, which is widely known for studies which concentrate on a cross-cultural approach to a multitude of multidisciplinary multitasking multi-venue multimedia.

INFORMATION
For further details on the University of Northern South Texas system, or to request a catalog and enrollment forms, uniforms, bank or government forms, and other norms, contact El Ducko at this website.

[el Ducko]

Recent Research Activities - The University of Northern South Texas
Many of you have followed recent announcements by CERN in Geneva, Switzerland, regarding discovery of the Higgs boson. This particle, believed to be the carrier of whatever causes matter to exhibit mass, has generated great excitement among physicists world-wide, as well as journalists, many of whom know mass only by the effect of excessive eating and drinking on one`s body over a lifetime journalistic career. However, few are aware of the research going on at the University of Northern South Texas Department of Redundancy Department`s Physics Group.

But now, a series of high energy particle physics experiments done by Dr. S.D. "St.Inkee Dee" Duck, a visiting Professor without Meritas from Mallard University in Quack, a small college town in north-southwest New South Wales, promises to shed additional light on the Higgs discovery.

Dr. Duck, who unfortunately is hard of hearing (or perhaps just has a short attention span due to A.D.D.)(Additive Duck Deficiency) conducted his early experiments in pork fat instead of vacuum, and used heat instead of magnetism to accelerate massive particles in a barrel-shaped accelerator filled with smoke from various sources. Rather than using a magnetic bottle containment field, he and his team of post-doc post ducks used various animal-derived casings to promote ease of detection of the particles under study.

The laboratory`s cold smoker equipment is patterned after the design of Stanford`s SLAC (Stanford Linear Accelerator), although the acronym stands for "Slightly Long, Awfully Cold." In an early demonstration trial, fish and smoke pellets were fed into one end, ignited as they passed over the tectonic plate boundary fault line, and four days later, smoked lachs emerged from the other end, already pre-sliced. "It`s the greatest thing since sliced beer. ...or maybe, canned bread," one befeathered spokesman said.

"For typical casing-contained research materials, we find that between twenty and thirty percent fat, there`s a sort of `sweet spot` in which best results are obtained," explained an attractive young member hen on the research team, who resembles an Angry Bird but seems incapable of dropping bombs, even on angry pigs. She then launched into an explanation of the Marianski operator and Rytek/Kutas functions, and quickly lost this reporter. Her presentation was interrupted by a loud alarm, and all the reporters rushed to the windows, colliding with researchers who were rushing AWAY from the windows and hiding under desks and behind control panels.

[This column to be continued, once the ice water sprays are turned off, the temperature cools down from 154 degrees F, and the smoke clears.]

[ssorllih]

The temperatures have been so high here around the Chesapeake Bay that when we go fishing we take salt and pepper shakers with us. When we catch a fish and drag it into the boat it is already poached. Bay water temperature is 85°F.

[el Ducko]

I always wondered about the origins of "Old Bay" Seasoning.
As them thar intellectuals say, "Now yuh know."

[el Ducko]

University Admits Participation in NSA Spying Operation
The recently-exposed Wiki-Leaks information has implicated the University of Northern South Texas in a study involving unauthorized listening of private citizens` conversations. The University obtained the project grant initially because of ducks` notable hearing sensitivity relative to gunshot sounds. This obviously strategic national defense item led to an expanded-scope strategy study in which, it is admitted, private citizens of all walks of life (but mainly the gun-toting, camo-wearing, male variety) were monitored with or without their knowledge. The ducks attempted to react equally to all conversations, namely yelling "QUACK! QUACK! QUAAAAACK!" as loudly as they could and hauling buns in the opposite direction. It was revealed in Wiki-Leaks, however, that they often leaked, both on themselves and on the surveillance targets, when actual gunshots were involved.

A spokes-duck for the University, a bearded-looking guy calling himself "Duck Commando," issued a public apology. In it, he stated that The University of Northern South Texas, in particular, would no longer participate in such studies, due to the impact of lead, and now steel, shot on the environment. ...particularly the ducks` environment. In the future, all traveling metallic objects between the size of a tenth of a millimeter and an SUV will be regulated to less than 0.026 furlongs per fortnight (about 70 mph).

It should be noted that The University of Northern South Texas still uses the Furlong/Firkin/Fortnight (FFF) system, a supposedly humorous system of units based on what humans regard as unusual or impractical measurements. The length unit of the system is the furlong, the mass unit is the mass of a firkin of water, and the time unit is the fortnight. Like the SI or meter-kilogram-second system, there are derived units for velocity etc. ...but ducks could usually care less, unless it involves bodily harm.

[el Ducko]

Course Notifications for the Fall Semester:

Mathematics: Our Extension Division now offers a new course titled "Digits for the Digitally Challenged," a computer course tailored to those who cannot type, those who cannot count to ten because of industrial accidents involving hand injuries, or the like. The concept of binary arithmetic is used to introduce the course, and students rapidly learn to calculate using each other, as well as various body parts. (Students may elect mixed or single-sex class sections, regular, partially-clothed, or clothing-optional.)

The second semester furthers this agendum using advanced concepts such as binary decision making using "Heads/Tails," ternary decisions using "Rock/Paper/Scissors," and quaternary decision outcomes using "Eenie/Meanie/Miney/Moe." (However, in this politically correct modern-day, non-violent, racially-neutral version, no one will be caught by the toe.)

Culinary Arts: Meat Packing: "Exploring the Danger Zone" is an exciting new course, offered by the Division of Culinary Delights (a.k.a. cafeteria staff) which explores in six-day-a-week sessions, both the intentional and the unintentional practice of food preparation in the temperature range between 40° and 154° F. Students will experience first-hand the dangers of such practices as using mayonnaise in picnic sandwiches, stuffing large quantities of sausage without refrigeration in single batches from grinding to stuffing to packaging, and selecting the wrong strain of bacterium for fermented sausages.

Included for those on a science track is a yeast growth model simulation, including dedicated time on the University`s Cray - Z supercomputer. ...assuming the remaining abacus beads can be found. Current students are requested to check their knapsacks and bowls of porridge for any bead-shaped objects which seem harder than usual.

Music Department: Recently appointed Visiting Professor of Music Duk Ellington recently led the University`s Chamber Pot Music Ensemble in a recently presented combined musical Fourth of July salute to America`s Avian History. The extravaganza featured such well-known patriotic favorites as the rear half of Copeland`s "Fantail for the Common Duck," a seated version of John Phillip Grouse-Sousa`s "Washington Post March" complete with fence posts, and several unidentified Barry Manilow elevator music classics during which members of the Ensemble were placed on hold and dozed off.

Intermission refreshments were provided by students from the Home Eek "School Baking and Flaking" Class, benefitting the fall football program. Enough money was raised to buy a new one.

Engineering and Other Miracles Department: Mechanical Engineering Labs announces receipt of its latest endowment from the estate of the late Hy al Teetude, who applied his intellect to a seemingly mundane problem and came up with an answer that potentially will do very much good. He realized, one day when he became disoriented and fell off his ladder backward and upside down, that people were thinking about ladders all wrong. It was not the lifting or the height that was important, it was the dismount, and in particular, the impact upon dismount. The answer became obvious- - install various appurtenances that one could grab on the way down, adapted to contacting at various velocities and altitudes. Falling would not become a thing of the past, but soft landings would become the norm.

He was, unfortunately, killed when struck by someone else`s falling ladder.

Direct all inquiries to Prof. S.D.Duck, Department of Redundancy Department, The University of Northern South Texas at Swinney Switch. An Unequal Inopportunity Unemployer.

[Chuckwagon]

Duk Ellington? OOOOooooooo!

[el Ducko]

Duk Ellington? OOOOooooooo!

According to the official press release, he is a former visiting professor from PinFeather University, with impeckable credentials.

[ssorllih]

We had an acronym for the "noise" that we could observe on an oscilloscope. "Continuous Random Amplitudinal Perturbations". It always followed an exclamatory question that started with, "What is this ..........".

[Chuckwagon]

Goodness Ross, ... and all this time I've believed that Continuous Random Amplitudinal Perturbation was the sound of gas being emitted from the south end of a northbound DUCK!

[el Ducko]

Are ya sure it doesn't mean "Chuckwagon, Ross, And Proctoscope"...?
(That's brown color, by the way.)

[el Ducko]

Revitalize your sausage production with a technology so old that it`s new. That`s right, folks- - put aside that coffee/spice grinder. It`s time again for the mortar and pistol.

I refer to the "Four-Deuce" mortar developed for delivery of explosive and chemical munitions during World War II and still used today. There`s nothing more satisfying than hearing the "krump!" sound as you hit your target with perfectly-seasoned sausage, four thousand meters away. The 4.2 inch diameter of the body is a little bit less that of a five-pound sausage stuffer, making it easy to not only stuff your sausage but do it at 250 meters per second, in moments.

As a commissioned officer, I was issued a .45 caliber pistol, but couldn`t hit the broad side of a barn from inside the barn. But as a Chemical Corps officer, I knew which weapon to choose- - the "Four-Deuce" mortar. ...followed up by the weapon that I qualified with during the Officer Basic course, the flame thrower.

Yes, there`s nothing like smoked sausage for dinner after a hard day on the battlefield.

What`s that? ...pestle? Don`t be ridiculous. Who ever heard of qualifying with a pestle?